I'm sitting in the old apartment, back at school. I'm not entirely sure why I felt like I wanted to come back, but here I am.

It's just like we left it. Full of a year's worth of memories - but more than that, it's a symbol of a life we don't have anymore.

And I'm just overwhelmed with emotions right now.

I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm lost.

I'm sad because I'm realizing that this place - not the apartment, but the school and the city - isn't home anymore. Life goes on, and it unsurprisingly goes on without me.

I'm sad because when I was trying to find Reagan's phone number today, I realized how scattered all of my friends are now. California, New Hampshire, Boston, Atlanta, Florida, and a few stragglers back in Pittsburgh.

I'm angry at the world for putting me through so much in this past year. I feel like a shell of my former self in many ways. I've been emotionally drained for longer than I can remember. I need to take a year off, and there's no such thing in this world. Not on my bank account.

I'm angry and sad because I don't feel like I have a home anymore. My family is in shambles, and despite my mother's constant reminders that "I'm always welcome there" - we can't even afford our house, and it's just a matter of time until we lose it. Pittsburgh was a beacon of hope when Hunter and I got set up - we had an apartment we could call home, and we carved out a life we expected would last us a few years.

But then the grad program intervened - tried to break us up, worked us to death, and left us so drained that we didn't ever want to go back. Now I can't even afford to - the choice was taken from me - and we have to start out all over again in California.

We don't even have the time to properly move out from Pittsburgh.

So we live in a barren apartment in California, doing what we can, still overworked but at least we like what we do and we're getting paid. I try to be there for my mother and brother as their world (and mine) falls down around them. Meanwhile, I feel lost and confused and I have no clue what will happen to me when December rolls around.

I realized the other day that I'm probably going to be alone for the holidays. Hunter will go back with his family - and I don't know if he's ready to bring me with him - and there's no way I can go home ever again. It's dangerous - physically - and emotional suicide.

Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas - all alone.

I just want some closure. I want to know where I live. I want to know what I'm doing. I want to know if my family's going to survive the next 6 months.

I don't want to pretend I'm a normal person anymore.

I want to BE a normal person.