It's getting really hard not to start seriously bawling and despairing here.

Days go by, resumes go out, and still nothing. I don't have the time to devote 24/7 to job applications, so I'm probably screwed already, but...there was hope.

I dread weekends. I spend the entire void full of non-business-days just sitting, fearing the worst and knowing progress cannot even possibly happen until Monday.

Maybe this was all a mistake. The degree, the master's program, the "computer science", all of it. Maybe I was just supposed to stay at Sesame Place and become a 2-bit entertainer for the rest of my life. Maybe I was supposed to go and become a starving actress in LA or New York. Maybe I wasn't even supposed to live this long. I don't know.

But I still feel worthless and hopeless, and I hate being an object of pity for my friends. Yet what else do I have at this point? Being a pitiable person seems to be the one thing I'm good at.

And every day I resent every person who has a job and takes it for granted. The people here who don't work as hard as everyone else, who are never in the office or leave early all the time.

If one more person tells me "it's going to work out fine" or "it's going to be alright" or "i have a feeling it'll be fine" - (translated: "ew. i don't want to talk about your problem, bitch.") - well, if one more person says that I am going to BITE THEIR HEADS OFF.

Rent payments are coming up. They're going to drain my bank account. Again. Like they always do.

And Hunter gets to stay. I don't know if we'll survive another prolonged separation. Maybe everything will just fall down around me at once - unemployed, alone, no house, parents divorced...wouldn't that be grand?

Yes. Very grand indeed.

My head hurts. And I still want to cry.